In an ET report, Britney's lawyer alleged that Jamie told Lynne that Britney is like a racehorse and needs to be handled as one. Jamie's lawyer replied that it is all hearsay, adding that no one loves Britney more than her father.
If you love horses like me, you know that racehorses are raced to death and immediately put down when they're injured, sometimes they're butchered and sold as food. Their entire life is about how well they perform for their owners, how many races they win, how much they earn will determined their value.
By their existence, there is no value.
Which is really the crux of sexism and all kinds of social discrimination if you think about it. That as a life, there is no value it and of itself, it's our levels of productivity that determines whether we're worthy or not.
I rode on a couple of retired race horses around the world, in Bintan, Bali and Malaysia, as a way of supporting race horse sanctuaries that take them in after they're injured and abandoned by their owners.
Sometimes their jockeys develop such love for them, they come along to the sanctuaries to work with them. I have had some special moments with them as well, including coaxing a frightened horse through a sudden neck high flood in Bali.
I have some photos on the about tab on this website if you want to take a look.
When I heard this, it reminded me of what I uncovered over 4 years of research into domestic violence. I get many people asking me how to spot red flags of an abuser, I try to find new interesting ways to engage the public about such a serious issue that affects 1 in 4 women globally.
One theme I chanced on was that abusers often verbalise how people are like animals, they mean this literally and not metaphorically.
Some non abusers depict gentle people as rabbits, aggressive people as bulls, lazy people as pigs, etc. It's that abusers see people as sub human, so depicting them as animals is a way for them to continue being abusive without crumbling under their own shaky self esteem.
Abusers see themselves as can do no wrong saints, even divinely appointed masters of humanity. They're the opposite, they're people with low awareness, so ignorant they can't grasp what is knowledge, so deluded about themselves, they live upside down lives and don't know it.
They can't see value in anything, whether ethics or work merit, because they often are failures in those areas, refusing to give other people credit for either is refusing to face their own issues.
They take everything for granted, add no value, leech and still complain about the person who improved their lives.
Abusers can come out with all kinds of excuses, they see themselves as the largest victims of circumstances, not just victims but LARGEST. In a world of over 8 billion people, they're so self absorbed, they're so small hearted, they lack empathy to the point of shrinking it to they're the only ones suffering, unable to gain perspective.
The most is Jamie just quit as conservator. If he's as capable as he proclaims to be, he can work anywhere and earn his own money.
The truth is that he probably has his own problems and serious ones, rumours of him being an alcoholic has surfaced, while I can't verify this, it would fit nicely into his documented behaviours this far.
He does have a restraining order against one of Britney's sons, this one is reported.
Chances are his problems affected Britney so much that she crashed and burned in the late 2000s. At some point, every competent abused child crashes, the unresolved pain just accumulates as each year goes by, the more years they're around abusive parents, the more injury is sustained.
Some lose their lives to suicide, some manage to solider on, feeling empty and lost inside, struggling alone with an inner wounded child.
It's also my own struggles about how I see myself as a wild horse that must run free, growing up in an abusive childhood environment was so stifling, it killed off my creativity.
I was always the serious teenager, mature beyond my years, it was a way to tolerate the burden of caregiving as a parentified child as well as a child who parented myself.
It was so pressuring for me, I developed selective mutism since my teens, where I had to keep as quiet as a mouse to avoid getting beaten up, it became a habit over time, finding my voice was as literal as it was symbolic.
When people talk about finding voices in an intellectualised speculative manner, I know they all had it far better than me, it's only because they had better childhoods that they can have the luxury of intellectualising everything and reducing it to "why don't you leave", "be strong", "be positive" to victim shame me.
Having any opinion unlike him was a big no, I was expected to be compliant and agreeable 24/7, center his emotional state and forgo mine, then please him by bending over backwards tp placate his chronic anger issues on top of it.
As he thinks of himself as my benevolent saviour, rescuer and protector. *Puke*
I wasn't allowed to feel, to have an opinion, my eating, sleeping and exercising schedule was also under his scrutiny, I was questioned about it all the time.
I wasn't living in that environment, I was surviving, I didn't truly live until I was 36, I repressed all my life, I swallowed, bottled up, soldiered on.
I was an emotional, psychological as well as physical slave through and through.
I didn't tell a single soul I was suicidal, unless you count God. I only revealed it when I went for therapy in my late 20s.
I also made all the right decisions in life as a woman, my worst "crime" is getting a speeding ticket.
Sometimes people mistake my insight into these things is because I was a super wayward hot mess who got into a lot of trouble and now has learned to finally be an obedient woman, when it is being an obedient woman all my life that I know it's way bigger than making the right choices to not enmesh with abusive people.
I'm also not someone who has a sensationalised story, I didn't go so off course that I was in a pit not many will fall into, I don't have a super underdog to heroic top dog story that people like to hear.
I learned it all through studying domestic violence as well as using my lived experience for the greater good, for the last 26 years.
At some point you're sure to get good at it.
I didn't get a chance to grow up proper, I didn't know how to play and how to relax, even now at 40, I still feel moments of shame about taking rest that I need, I have to be careful I don't overwork and burn out, a problem I had all my life.
I'm terribly at thinking my needs are important, when I started healing in 2016, I didn't even know what're my needs, I was totally disconnected from myself, that's what 22 years of repression does to you.
I also tend to self neglect, I have to actively override these things, they don't come automatically to me. I don't have the ease and reassurance that comes easily to others, I had to work hard to heal myself, I had to work hard to attempt to prove I was a human that matter when I was a kid, I never stopped working hard.
Confident adults say the most basic things confidently, even the most nonsensical things confidently. It has always made me laugh, how merit means nothing yet they tell us to be ambitious go getters, doers not talkers, they care so much about our social station in life, they care so much whether we're ignorant or knowledgeable, most are in self denial, they still care more about our wealth and looks the most at the end of the day.
The greed and the selfishness is undeniable.
They just want to think they're better than that, others are better than that. Most are just superficial and plastic, shallow wishful thinkers, who don't know enough to even see value in a good person when they come around.
I became a militant exerciser (have a strict exercising regiment, feeling I failed if I was ill and can't do it) because of this, I also picked up dieting, developed disordered eating, I also have CPTSD since I was 14, I am 40 this year.
Abusers often push victims to the brink, even normal daily functions like eating and sleeping is policed, determined by them. We're immediately criticised for being lazy, bratty, self indulgent, without them caring enough to find out what the real story is. Normal daily actions is controlled down to the minutiae.
They have already determined the conclusion, they just want to strong arm others into prioritising them at all times. They're domineering, they're full of resentment, misery and rage. They're infantilised people who need reparenting and have no idea, they over rely on others and still can't tell value because they never had to work for it.
They give up before even trying, that's how sad their lives are, they need someone else to motivate them and they judge self motivated people like Britney all the time.
Abusers are all people with chronic low awareness, they see their stagnation as "being principled", "having family values". When it's a distorted version of love, their lack of ability to grow, change for the better, is often twisted into a positive virtue.
The most common way for people to refuse to change is delude themselves with moral superiority, now what they do will always be seen in their eyes to contain a moral high ground of they can do no wrong.
This makes it even harder for high performing kids like Britney to be around her dad Jamie, narcissistic parents get jealous and constantly compete with their children for top dog position within the family.
They themselves are damaged kids who didn't bother healing themselves, this is how intergenerational wounding happens, it keeps getting passed on. Abuse is not just cycle between abuser-victim, it's a social cycle between oppositional groups of people as well, for example sexist men and females, so survivors are re-victimised socially all the time.
I always tell survivors how many people don't even bother healing themselves, they just shift blame and project, making everyone else responsible for what they should be responsible for.
That to even take charge of their pain, to be a cycle stopper is already much better than so many, most people just lay defeated inside that and keep on leeching, complaining, reliving the same lives that their own parents did, passing on the harm to the next generation.
They sometimes treat their kids as adult peers and other times they become authoritative figures who latch onto "I told you so" and "I'm your parent", any request for clarification on the child's end is seen as disobedience, THAT is also punished.
They don't think they need to justify themselves, yet they demand justifications for the smallest things, they demand others soothe them as they refuse to soothe us or explain to us.
They have double standards in all areas, they demand we do better but they fail the same bar they keep raising, the difference is they don't think we deserve empathy and they do, whether we succeed or we fail, we're still mistreated either way.
At some point you just get exhausted fighting the tide you keep getting buried under, you just want to give up, you lose motivation, of course then, you ruin your own life and that's punished by them too!
You cannot win and that's the point, no matter what you say, do or feel, you're punished, none of it makes sense, none of it is reasonable, non of it you can rationalise away.
That is abuse. Abuse is utterly irrational, this is why it's so distressing, it sabotages the abuser as well as the victim at the same time.
This insecure parenting style then confuses the kid, they themselves become insecure because of them and they think they're the reason that it happened, they take all the blame for the lack of parenting skills.
When parents screw up their marriages, kids suspect they had something to do with it, even the most obedient kids like me will. It's also the primary trauma that we face from them and the secondary trauma we get from viewing them mistreating other siblings , each other, strangers, etc. How they use us as they use them, we want to protect everyone from them, only to find some won't protect us in return.
It's the combined horror of a lifetime of events we witness that haunts us, not only when it's done to us directly, this is something most people don't understand, that kind of weight can kill someone, that kind of secrecy, that kind of pain, that kills.
Kids like Britney who're achievers are often over achievers like me, who find it hard to stop pushing ourselves, we're perfectionists because we're criticised for everything, abusers nitpick and find fault daily, they dismiss all the 99 things we did right, they approved of.
We don't get any praise or validation from them, we only hear criticism, with the assumption of how we're intentionally "difficult" and out to instigate trouble, we're trouble makers who make their lives tough.
They dismiss all the things we do do, we can never do enough to earn their genuine unconditional love, there is none to give. Until the day we realise and accept this, we cannot be free from them.
When they blow up in rage, attack people, are hostile for no reason, they're quick to show themselves the self kindness they withhold from us, they only have love for themselves and not others.
If we self soothe, self care, it's not OK too, nothing is OK, it's trapped between a rock and a hard place anywhere we turn. It's not even a matter of us neglecting ourselves only, it's a matter of them feeling entitled to everything we do for them and them not feeling we deserve even a couple of morsels of affection in return.
Meanwhile, they lie, cheat, play video games and have relaxing hobbies instead of changing the world, healing people and helping people. They have no purpose, no larger meaning beyond themselves, except cold hard dollars and cents.
Even worse is so many of them have a string of failures in life, they haven't managed their own lives well at all, they're miserable all the time, find no joy or peace, have so many obviously pervasive chronic problems that they don't want to admit.
Dysfunctional parents think controlling kids is helping, when they're sabotaging them while scapegoating them. Intelligent kids who can self govern well often are better off without them, the problem is the parent is too narrow minded to understand the possibility of this, they want to be important, they want to take over governance while constantly failing at the same time.
They're simply not up for it, they can't meet the moment, they themselves need help and it's much better that they go get help rather than attempt to help kids who're more competent than them.
Their kids just want them out of their hair, not be overbearing, that's it. Abused kids don't have expectations of them being warm loving guides in their lives, they just want them to stop crossing boundaries and mind their own business.
They have been spun too many times inside that cycle of hope and disappointment, they know not to expect anything.
In fact, hope can be frightening for them so when other people make them feel hopeful, a part of them is prepared for the other shoe to drop, they get anxious instead.
I'm the kind that must stop to pet a dog when I see it. I did that recently with a stranger, who decided it was time to offer me unsolicited advice on how to train a dog.
He told me, "you roll up a newspaper, put rubber bands around it, then you hit him when he misbehaves". Like all dogs who're abused, they become timid and anxious. Since I pet loads of dogs throughout my life, I know an anxious dog when I see one.
As an abuse survivor, I must avoid triggers and males talking like so is one of my triggers. I know how to pull back to not react but have a calculated response instead. I told him I'm the positive reinforcement kind, I reward good behaviours, I don't punish bad behaviours. I find it very damaging.
In typical mansplaining fashion, he had an exaggerated over the top response, what I call the "you dumb woman" response. He rolled his eyes, took a deep breathe, probably trying to muster up all his divinely appointed master manliness to tolerate this incredibly stupid piece of rib female in front of him.
I was laughing inside.
Dude, I study violence, I thought.
Men who're easily enraged have the largest chance of violence so my guard was up for sure.
"Kids are like dogs, you need to discipline them, when they're misbehaving, you hit them!"
He decided to offer me yet another piece of his ugliness I didn't want to know.
Look, I just want to pet his doggo in peace and get lost after, that's it.
This is the kind of daily ruin my day bullshit men pull.
By now, I'm really pissed.
"It leaves emotional scars on kids, many psychology research as well as brain scans show how damaging hitting is. Discipline doesn't require hitting."
He of course double down on his fragile masculinity as expected, the same exaggerated "you dumb woman" expression, going on and on how he trained many dogs for his clients, trained dogs for the police and much more.
Yeah right. LOL, mediocre men are so intellectually insulting, dumbing myself down is a full time job around them. They aren't worthy of my time, that's for sure.
They often use authority figures like the police to threaten others into submission and to legitimise themselves.
I paid that one speeding ticket in my late teens, I'm good. I have no dirt on me.
I have the ability to tune out all the noise, something I learned to keep me sane as a child, so I did that. Like you turn on the TV in the background but don't really listen, it becomes white noise, that's exactly how I "hear" him.
Britney's dad recently compared her to a racehorse, since I think of myself as a wild horse, it shook me to the core, it brought back memories I didn't want to think about.
My male abuser also compared people to animals, he had the same quick-to-rage volatile response as the stranger, it's 0-100 in a spilt second.
Just the shock from this disproportionately large response is terrible for our psyches, abusers are one day good and one day bad, our flight or fight response is totally screwed up around them, we walk on eggshells to not invoke their sudden wrath, many studies show how abuse changes us on the neuorbiological down to the cellular level.
We have to be on constant high alert in cause we get punished suddenly.
To say healing is life changing is real, we have to change the entire system of our bodies, I know this because I achieved this.
Jamie's dad already has a restraining order against one of her kids, where he busted down a door to get to him. I also encountered my abuser who was willing to destroy property to satisfy his rage at all costs, I was also his property is how he saw it, he can destroy that, he can destroy me. I was sent this message early on.
Abusers often find the need to disengage from seeing people as people, by dehumanising someone, it's then easier to be violent. We all get frustrated, I have depicted uncivilised people as animals all my life, there're many uncivilised people in this world, I did draw a clear line between behaviours (can change) and fundamentally who they're (redeemable).
Abusers are the opposite, they see behaviours as the person, they gauge someone solely on their own volatile reactions and that one perspective as the RIGHTEST right, you see how this is congruent with the BIGGEST victim, they think of themselves as both at once.
Oh please, Jamie is getting over 100K salary from Britney yearly, if that is the biggest victim, where do I sign up?
They see people as pessimistically irredeemable as a default and behaviours that provoke them are intentional, people aren't to be trusted nor worthy of help. They suspect people are all out to get them, but they can't be out to get others at the same time, they have many blind spots towards themselves.
So, they feed that predetermined idea of someone then blame them when they do eventually fall into that self fulfilling prophesy box they forced them into in the first place.
They have a hopeless view of this world, so they just grab whatever as quickly as they can, they don't care if there's collateral damage.
As long as that person is unlikable, there is no objectivity on their ends, they can't see merit, they don't have enough empathy to put themselves in other people's shoes either, emotionally or mentally they cannot care for others.
These saints, martyrs and saviours of humanity. LOL.
PROTECTIVE father! LOL
For abusers, it's they automatically see people as animals (sub human) first and this is pervasive, they're stuck in this inflexible pattern of toxic thinking.
They apply it immediately to people, they can't be bothered to know us, they just want to control us, it's way easier to do that when they're prone to rage, the rage feeds the control, the control feeds the rage.
They can keep the rage as a defence mechanism, unable to truly connect with anyone, they also find no point in relationships, a deep meaningful relationship is too far fetched for them, chances are they never wanted to invest enough to nurture one anyway.
I think deep meaningful relationships are one of the things that makes us appreciate humanity, the inability to securely attach means this is something great that abusers miss out on.
Eshet chayil, God is a She.
Pinterest - blackilocks
Twitter - Asian Femifesto
Tumblr - Asian Femifesto
Reddit - Asian Femifesto
Quora - blackilocks
Admin of Handmade Singapore Facebook Group