Narcissists are an Empath's mortal enemy. I am no exception. They are drawn to Empaths like bees to honey, only thing is these bees are actually swarms of hornets in disguise, they will sting you with their lack of accountability, bombard you with their toxicity, gaslight you until your world turns topsy turvy and everyone around them is none the wiser. Warped much?
I hate it when they try to manipulate me, I hate it when they abuse other Empaths. I hate it that they manipulate people in general. I HATE THEM. I hate them because they're lazy cowards at heart, instead of improving themselves, they take advantage of givers instead, always sinking to the lowest common denominator, scum at the bottom of the barrel. I hate that they make the world a worse place, I hate that they strike fear in their victims and they feel they can never trust someone else again. I hate that instead of facing the truth about themselves with humility, they hide behind the shroud of manipulation to achieve their aims. Cowards I tell you. Cowards.
Did I tell you, I HATE THEM? OK, I hate their behaviour, their ill habits, not them them.
They are directly oppositional to all that I stand for. They are darkness and I am light. They manipulate and I dialogue. They dominate and I empower. They tear down and I build. They destroy and I heal.
This is also why many people, like me at some point, can't quite figure them out. It's like a chicken talking to a duck, we speak different languages.
I recently bumped into someone from the past, someone who I always made excuses for because she always seemed so full of worries. We met up again and since I'm a recovering nice girl, I started holding her accountable. Lo and behold, what do you know? She said, "it's a joke, I was kidding." She said she wanted to slap me, along with her signature flash of anger. Oh, she wasn't kidding at all.
I thought back to the past, she always said this or the common Narcissist gaslighting technique - it didn't happen, it's not what you think, you were overthinking ??? Other people on the table felt the same way so it happen exactly as I witnessed. Coward I tell you, coward all around.
It was always to get out of apologising for hurting me, it was dismissive and gets her off the hook, it always made me feel uncomfortable as well. This certainly wasn't an apology. She wants support and yet she cannot offer me a basic level of respect. Reciprocity NADA city.
She would also take the opportunity to take jabs at me, without any provocation. There was no way I had anything to do with it, I was literally quiet about those topics. She told me, I was an OK writer, snakily, when she knew how important writing was to me, not to mention she was a terrible communicator in general. Huh??? She waved at the computers on sale and said, yeah she's poor, she can't afford a MacBook, I didn't say anything AT ALL. She pointed to a fridge with a reflective surface for a door and said I must like it, snakily again, indicating I was vain. I said, yeah sure, why not, I can check my make up before I leave.
Me 1 Narc 0.
What people don't get is this, they literally are their own triggers, which makes it REALLY confusing for people around them. Victims often ask, is it me? What did I do? Soon, you find yourself walking on eggshells to not trigger them which is impossible. Therefore the high toxicity level of such individuals.
I once asked her why is it that she requires me to be her therapist, I don't like mixing work with friendship. If she would like a therapist, I can recommend one. I have encountered far too many people who take support and listening for granted, I'm now extremely cautious about this.
The reason why I told her this is that I had a suspicion that she came back into my life because she got wind of how well I was doing and had ulterior motives. Her answer was, she was deserving along with I must because I can. ???? So I have no say in this? I waited for her to recognise my role and let's just say, waiting for the next full eclipse to come by would be more productive. She never did, I was a nonentity, I DO NOT exist.
Me 1 Narc 1
As I dig deeper, the difficulty lays in that someone like this, changes our worldview totally. When you encounter this kind of darkness, see the glint of evil in their eyes, flashes of the anger monster, listen to the lies and witness the damage done to others, living in denial is a way we protect ourselves from the reality that such toxic people exist, that someone can purposefully go to such great lengths to destroy someone. It challenges our idea of love and kindness, it makes us feel like a fool for having empathy, for believing in the best of them when the worst is far beyond what our minds can comprehend and hearts can bear. It's often too overwhelming for many, taking years to escape and years if not a lifetime to heal.
Now, this is not the run-of-the-mill asshole like many mistake them for, or a generally good person who has some very human missteps, it's also not a self-centred person either. This is the mind bomb of the century, a delusion of the lost-est of the lost souls, a disconnection so epic, it makes the distance between Mars and Venus look like a stone's throw away.
When we wake up and recognise them for who they really are, it's jarring that the person they pretend to be doesn't exist. What ??? Then who are they? The answer is they're no one, as in they do not have an identity, they morph into the person they're around, wearing different masks as they see fit, pretending to be everything we want, waiting for the moment when we're emotionally attached to reveal their true selves and go in for the kill. This is why they treat others like nonentities, they are nonentities themselves.
Many an Empath have tried to empower them to change, to no avail, the reason is this, they do not want to. ??? Yes, you heard me, they do not want to. Dialoguing with them is like talking to a brick wall, between word salad and gaslighting, you will come out more confused than you went in, always feeling like it's your fault. They will deny anything and everything, spin you on the accountability merry-go-ground, never once holding themselves accountable. It's always EVERYONE ELSE'S fault. How can this be? Communication is 50/50, relationships are 50/50 investment, how can it always be one person's fault? Unless there is such a thing as a perfect person, which of course there isn't. COME ON, really? Only a higher power is perfect, which brings me to another point, if a higher power offers free will, who is anyone to control you?
Playing God is a dangerous thing and of course they do not hesitate to do so. I literally had a Narcissist call herself a deity, I kid you not. Another kept telling me she doesn't love herself enough, when she was emotionally unavailable and as controlling as can be. If only I said it, it might possibly be me, if a string of people say it, it's chronic.
Control is their game, guilt, shame and blame are their weapons, they will try anything and everything. This is because the concepts of US and WE are not in their dictionaries. Their dictionaries only has I and me. A win-win isn't their objective, it's they win and you lose. BAD deal.
They are notoriously resistant to change, their grandiose nature means that they often think they are more intelligent, successful or contribute more than they actually do, often using lies to cover up their inadequacies. They often have a thousand and one excuses, of course they will never ever be upfront because then the jig is up. No more energetic supply. The whole idea is to keep someone caught in their web of bullshit so they maximise taking.
The extreme internal disconnection of Narcissists means they do not feel empathy and are therefore not governed by the natural boundaries of a conscience, no guilt, no shame, except anger, mostly anger, which really isn't an emotion at all. Anger is an umbrella for all the emotions that they can't access, so they cannot communicate them to others, causing a disconnection with others.
No doubt that it gets confusing because they often cycle between love bombing and devaluation. Love bombing is a form of conditioning, it's the reinforcement where the abuser showers you with love if you act how they want you to. If you don’t, then the devaluation stage happens, where they withdraw all their kindness and instead punish you with whatever they feel is appropriate – shouting at you, giving you the silent treatment, or even physically abusing you.
It's precisely because they're such angry people with gigantic egos that after I encountered a few of them, anger became my trigger, I shut down in the face of it, I would never address it, licking my wounds privately. It's also because we experience as well as witness the damages of anger, both internally within them and externally towards us that we squelch our own anger, lest we ever be like them. God forbid, worst nightmare.
This is also the biggest trap when it comes to healing from Narcissistic abuse. That we are so caught up in being the opposite of them that we forget that anger is a form of immediate protection when someone violates our trust, push our boundaries or threatens our wellbeing. As an act of self-preservation, we need to speak their language so they back off.
This is something I needed to face when I was healing from 23 years of PTSD from Narcissistic abuse. The rage I felt in one full shot was frightening, more so for me than others. It was so unlike me, at some point, I wondered if I became a Narcissist myself, after checking with fellow Empaths, they assured me that if I was self-reflecting, I'm definitely not one. Phew. I agree with them.
Last year, I let my anger rrrriiipppp, transmuting all the energy into light, uplifting myself and others with the same experiences. This year, at some point I was so at peace, I lost my fire again. I backslided into being a nice girl instead of the authentic woman I am on most days. I now have a deeper understanding of the necessity of fire for protection, we MUST keep this fire, our anger will tell others to back off and warn us of impeding danger.
It takes practice, I am still learning, I am getting more comfortable with it, I am A-OK with anger and in time you will be too.
Love, light and peace,
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