Inspiration / lesbian

My First Love On Repeat

Dear 小胖 *,

It's been 15 years. I still have the privilege of calling you my friend. That's right, the privilege. You were my first love, the person I fell in love with when I thought I didn't know what love is. Now, after 15 years of attempting to make sense of love with my mind just like everyone else, I surrender fully to my heart once again, a beginning that never ended. I believe once again in the core of my soul in the possibilities of love, a love so pure and true. I stop questioning it and started living loved.

It sure has been a hell of a ride, one full of nice people who didn't move me, good people trying their best, broken people trying to make sense of the world and a singular psychopath that let me understand that self-denial was my shield, my ability to see the best in people has been at the expense of myself. I wanted to believe so badly in the goodness of people, I got lost in the reality of them as well. Yes, I am an idealist and I don't know any other way. I am still one, just a wiser one who knows how to protect my heart more so I can grow fully into my calling. I know now that not everyone is mine to save, I can however empower someone to save themselves. I do what I can and the rest is up to God. 

Yesterday, when you delivered a home cooked meal, I realised you are the very few who I allow to help me. I often wonder what drew me to you then, I didn't know anything about you yet I knew everything. I realise now that I saw God in you. The greatest compliment I can offer anyone. Throughout the years, I am to see God in you repeatedly. The light that emits from true hearts and courageous souls that live right and do right. Oh, how beautiful are you. You don't even know it. Which of course makes it all the more glorious. 

Your temper still sucks, it sucked then and it sucks now. I was too immature and I didn't know how to handle it then, it was difficult and I wanted so badly for you to be happy. I made it my fault that you aren't happy and shiny when you are just being human. A role you do real well. Better than many others. 

You are married now and happily so. I remember looking at your partner and knowing that she could accept something I can't, you are in good hands. That part, the most important part, she does better than me than I ever did. I still love you so, how can I not? I love you deeply as a friend, a privilege I intend to keep. So thank you, thank you, thank you for being you. My candle in the darkness of life, one that keeps on burning. 

To the greatest love of all, 


*The literal translation of 小胖 would be Little Fat. Hhahhahaha. A pet name I had for her. I love the irony of it because she isn't fat and she has always been beautiful to me. 

Little Mama Goes To School is by Hsiao Ron Cheng.

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Oil on Water

You stopped to check on me that day
I was surprised that you even bothered
I think of you from time to time
Subtlety is your armour,
Clarity my shield
We remain like oil on water
There but not quite
Some things are best left unfinished
Even if it barely started 


Oil on water is about a girl who speaks to me at 2 am and we never met up. I had to honour my relationship then and told my partner about her. That was then, now she is with a wonderful partner, I hope she is genuinely happy. Best wishes, oily girl. Submerge and if you can still breathe, that is the one for you. 

Find Alyssa Monks's work here. 

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