The trauma of my repressed physical, mental and emotional abuse hit me full force these last few days. This trauma is similar to anyone who has gone through abuse of any kind. Sexual assault, rape, domestic abuse and much more.
For the past 2 weeks, I was shell shocked yet peaceful and productive. Practicing no contact for 2 weeks has offered me more peace as compared to the last 30 plus years, even with a broken ankle. A follow-up with my doctor today, brought the news of necessary surgery, it was badly broken in 2 places, without it, I will never be able to walk properly again. After that, it will take 6 months until I can walk fully again and many more months of physiotherapy. Even then I might have problems when I grow older.
So I was angry. Boiling mad. I was angry at my abuser, angry at myself for wanting to save the same person who broke my spirit and drove me to suicide at various points. I was angry that the core of myself that I believed in so strongly, my empathy, was used against me. I was angry at time wasted with enduring and surviving when I could have been living and striving instead.
I cried hot tears in the doctor's office after hearing the news. I crumpled the paper towels into little wads of roses to absorb my overwhelming pain. Through it all, none of my tears was because it physically hurt. I cried while explaining to the puzzled professionals that it was about what caused the injury and not the injury itself. I cried while reassuring the worried strangers that the doctor didn't cause it and he was great. He very politely cleared the room for me, one thing I really appreciated. It's embarassing to cry in front of strangers yet the tears couldn't stop. It made me feel too vulnerable, too broken, too small. How I have felt all my life.
I wanted to stand in the light, I was sick of living a lie, a lie not even mine. So when a nurse asked what happened to me, I told him the truth is too much for others to bear and I have no capacity to deal with their reactions. He said try me. So I told him. He said now I can heal. I appreciated it.
I cried while laying down, waiting for the cast to harden. A heart broken in so many places. I cried out all my complex emotions of leaving, a toxic mix of shame, guilt, anger, love and anger all rolled into a blanket of pretence. I cried at the irony of the situation, here I am getting empathy from strangers, they went out of their way to push me around in a wheelchair. While in the places I was suppose to be safe at, I was getting torn down and blamed for not being strong enough when I was strong in all the wrong places.
I learned many things today, the most important lesson is to engage my anger. Something I never allowed myself to truly feel. I squashed it like a bug, an insignificant creature, threatening to take away my dignity. I was blind and now I see. Honour it, feel it fully, let it flood your senses, feel it tingle in your fingertips, let it consume you fully, let it all out. There is such a thing as righteous anger and it needs to be free. So often as women, we are taught to be nice, anything normal like anger is not OK. Well, it is.
We are kept small so others can take our space. We are kept low so others can step on us. We are kept insignificant so others can rise above us. You don't need permission from anyone who doesn't know or understand your story to be angry. You don't need permission from anyone who knows you to be angry. You most certainly don't need permission from your abuser to be angry. You NEVER EVER need permission to be you. If you ever feel you need permission to honour your emotions, time to re-evaluate the people around you.
Many will tell you it is not OK. It's their inability to stand with you when you need them most that renders them helpless. For those, be honest, tell them how to stand by you. You need to let it all out, without judgement. To trust that you are much better on other days. Today, you are not OK and it's OK.
For some, it will be their fear that now you know your worth, you will want a fair deal from them, a deal they have no intention of living up to. For these people. Be angry anyway. Be angry at them too. For punishing you for being a broken person, for projecting their fears onto you when you need them most. For these people, be boiling mad, be raging fire, burn those bridges, to open yourself up to new people. Being angry means you recognise your worth, you are becoming the person you kept hidden inside. A person who can stand alone and say it is NOT OKAY. A person with boundaries, a person who can say no, a person of innate worth, born into it, not earned.
If you know someone currently going through this or healing, bring her here. Let her stand in the difficult truths and heal with honesty. This is the only way. It will be difficult, you will feel terrible on certain days, as long as you stay with me and get to the root of the problem. You will be OK.
To love, light and peace,
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