I was talking to a friend who told me she was inspired by my writing and wondered how does she know she's a recovering nice girl? After a productive conversation, I felt inspired to share my reply here.
Before you continue, remember that the truth is where healing starts and ends. If you have the courage to acknowledge the truth within, you have taken the first and most important step towards healing.
As a recovering nice girl myself, I constantly feel conflicted about keeping the peace and finding peace within. My post awakening self has turned my life around, 360. At first I thought I merely healed my deepest wounds, then I looked around and realised, nope, I am living whole, I love myself and I am powerful beyond belief. This has unlocked so many truths inside of me that I can't wait to share!
I walked a large part of my life alone, although I was surrounded by many, not many understand a highly intuitive person like me. This has also changed since I found my tribe.
So the below is based on my lived experience. If I can do it, I believe you can too. Let no one stop you! You deserve to heal and be your best self!
1. People expect a lot from you
You find yourself crushed under the weight of expectations, this can be unspoken societal pressures or spoken expectations from others. You're the "strong one", the "dependable one", you want to help others, you also find that you're permanently exhausted, torn in many directions, suffering from ill mental and physical health even.
2. No one there for you
You're everyone's safe place, you're often told how good a listener you're, how you "get me", how you feel familiar, you're the first friend someone will call in a crisis. Strangers sit beside you and tell you their life stories. The one everyone looks for in your family. The helpful colleague who works the hardest and often the latest. Everyone likes you, everyone wants to be around you. In the off chance you do share your vulnerabilities, you feel devastated by the lack of support. You fear asking for support again, rejection cuts too deeply.
3. Feeling lonely in a crowd
You try to make appointments to meet up, be sociable you tell yourself! You feel yourself dreading them as they come closer. Putting on that mask of acceptability is getting tiring. When can you be yourself? There's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a crowd. It's far worse than being alone. It seems so pointless, but isn't this what society expects of us? Wefies AND selfies.
4. Conflict what?
You give in all the time, often keeping quiet in the face of conflict, be it small or large. It makes you nervous and uncomfortable, you mentally and emotionally shut down, avoiding it at all costs. Hold someone accountable? Nah, you're the "bigger person". You tolerate others until you burst like a piñata and suddenly, you're the nasty one. AND you don't even have candy as a consolation. Got to love the chocolate covered ones! Nope, not happening. Sorry.
You comfort yourself that you're being loving and compassionate, most times it works, until the next time conflict happens again that is. You often feel you have no choice but to avoid them or do the permanent door slam, removing them from your life.
Feeling alone again.
Related - The Day You Give Up on Love
5. Questioning kindness
You often ask yourself this question repeatedly, your mind is a overthinking cyclone, round and round it goes. Why are people so unkind? You ponder the idea of how kindness is seen as weakness. You think everyone is suffering, you also ask how about your hopes and dreams? Your heart suffers a thousand cuts and you soldier on, putting others first is an act of compassion, you tell yourself.
You try to deep throat it, shove in down like bitter medicine, telling yourself this is what life is. Most days, it's OK, not great but OK. That's what strong women do, right? Some days, oooohhh some days it gets too much too quick, you barely keep your head above water.
You value kindness, it also hurts when you're taken for granted. Isolating yourself feels like a solution, until it becomes a slippery slope to despondent. It would be nice to have supportive people around, wouldn't it? People who get you, people who you can speak openly to, all you want is to be yourself, why is it so difficult?
There is hope, I have asked myself all the questions above. It all started when I was 13, that's when I asked my first big life question, why is there suffering and what can I do about it? It has taken me on a roller coaster journey of self-discovery and enlightenment. All of which have informed me as a person, all these valuable experiences now allow me to share with others. I hope that by writing this, you wouldn't have to take 24 years like me because living whole and true is the most amazing thing possible.
Love, light and peace,
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