Day 278 of 365 Days of Being
What the what? Benefits of PTSD? OK, at a glance this can sound like the invalidating bullshit people throw at people with mental illness or people with PTSD.
I think everything has its pro and cons, even the most debilitating events in our lives can turn into the most enlightening illuminating ones. It is in the darkest that we see where the light comes in. I wouldn't have been able to see this side, if not for me completing my awakening, with the help of my spirit. I had a lot working against me.
Familiarity to pain
Depression and anxiety
Misdiagnosis of bipolar for 9 pre 2016 years. The depression and anxiety was me working so darn hard and not finding solutions. It wasn't until after I had an awakening, leaned on my spirit and found out it was PTSD.
Several suicide attempts
I loved myself out of my PTSD, then loved myself into living whole. I believe we can love ourselves out of anything and love ourselves into anything. Even the darkest trials of our lives offer us beneficial lessons if we're willing to humbly learn from them. I got sick and tired of having PTSD, hitting rock bottom and out of desperation, I asked myself a question I never did ask before, what are the pros? I had a long list of cons, it didn't help me, it's so frustrating to do all I can to move out of it, ending up feeling like a failure, beating myself up repeatedly. So I decided to flip the script!
Below is my discovery about PTSD and how I got out of it.
PTSD means I was in constant fight or flight mode, hyper vigilance was the warrior in my subconscious mind which meant I was always looking for a safe place or safe people all my life. Being in fight or flight meant that my intuition was being trained to spot signs of danger, whether overtly as in violence or verbal abuse, also non-verbal cues like micro expressions, body language and energy fluctuations. My high intuition and speedy spiritual progress came from this pain, I was trained by trauma to avoid trauma. This is also why many Empaths, INFJs, Psychics and highly intuitive people have suffered abuse of one kind or another, eventually becoming expert lie detectors. Also the best healers when we learn how to balance our empathy with empowerment, heal any wounds we need to.
PTSD helped me grow empathy, how we're all silently dealing with our pain, that it's possible that even those closest to us have no clue or feel helpless about it. Knowing how selfish the world can be, I started appreciating how my big-heartedness made me a gem of a child, partner, friend and much more.
Recovery is an uphill battle, having a conducive environment of accepting loving people is vital, since I didn't have that, I decided to be all that to myself. It also helped me appreciate the full value of empathy, the importance of daily kindness because we don't know what someone is going through. It expanded my understanding of humanity, inculcate my passion to be a healer.
It humbled me, helped me see that being stuck in victimhood can really destroy my life. People busy rescuing themselves 24/7 can already struggle, I was struggling and rescuing people as well, it was way too much to handle. While being victimised wasn't my choice, I did have a choice to change my story of sorrow into one of resilience and hope. Like a boss, I didn't write my beginning, I am in charge of my ending. Wallowing in self-pity, playing the fear tape, did nothing for me.
I have done it long enough, I have put others before me long enough, now was time to do me, put me first and give it a whirl.
I also realised I was egoistic to think I can carry the pain of everyone else when I was in so much pain myself, my intentions were in the right place, I was also unknowing avoiding my wounds. By directing all the love I desperately craved towards others, distracted me from my wounds because I didn't feel worthy of my own love or my own empathy or compassion. Boundaries are a must and a first for recovery, I was too punishing, taking on too much at one go.
I was so busy trying to prove myself to everyone else that I severely neglected myself, all things come from self, my want to help others need not be at the expense of my own wellbeing. I need not throw myself under the bus for someone else, especially those people who don't give a toss about me. Those who love me want me to share my overflow, want to see me healthy and doing well. Self-love is no.1, when I started loving myself the way I loved others, all doors opened up for me. I experience profound peace and lasting joy now.
Having PTSD didn't mean my talents aren't there, they were still there, hidden under a cloud of wounds, I was amazing even if I didn't believe it then, I do now! I can showcase them in a way I can, when I can, when I want to. I have the choice to moderate my pace, all in my own good time.
Learning how to be positive includes knowing what negativity is. I was familiarising myself with that side of the story so I knew what I didn't want as well as how to conquer it. There's no such thing as failure because I was learning all the time.
If you're stuck with PTSD, make a list of the benefits and start loving those things instead. When you start loving those things, you will find yourself moving out of it. What we direct our energetic focus to, expands those things that make us beautiful. When people see how we're trying our best to cope, they start appreciating us, we start feeling better. Remember not to compare your progress with anyone, we all have our own unique situation with unique talents. Focus on progress not perfection, one self-honouring step at a time.
Believe that recovery is possible, you need not live a diminished life for wounds not of your own doing.
Love, light and peace.
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