Work / suicide

Becoming A Nasty Woman

I hesitate to call myself nasty. I believe in love and light, nasty is so far away from me. I thought by doing no harm, it was enough. If I could do good, even better. When I understood my own story and the abuse stories of other women. The question I ask is what happens when nasty isn't you and nasty comes for you? 

Are we made to be the punching bags of the world? Designed to be put down, shut up, stood up in a corner. Propped up by strings of everyone else, compliant only to be controlled? The truth is nasty, people can be nasty, the world has gone nasty. People are nasty simply because they are allowed to. For the first time I let myself be angry. What I want is justice. For far too long, we have lost our voices to "being nice" when it is just another way to say I win, you lose. We have become so nice that it means crouching in a corner to avoid your abuser AND get blamed for it. From the brush in the subway to those who blame women for dressing the way she chooses to the rapist husbands and thoughts of women as walking sex objects, grab her pussy, make her yours. It makes me sick. If nasty is justice. Then I am nasty. Oh, I'm so damn nasty. 

Be the bubbly shiny girl with no opinions, gaining respect by being under, drowning, respected by association to the next man you meet when we are powerful beyond belief, being you is your superpower. When you see how your self-worth undergoing destruction by the many who put it down to "locker room banter". That these incidences have already shaped the world. Oh, I'm nasty. 

It's not that I didn't have it within me, oh yes, I did. The many times I made excuses for others, thinking they are hurting, when did they do the same for me? The many stories of women who don't recognise their worth as innate, their hearts aren't meant to be share with the people who use them and that respect is the only way forward. When did we get so lost and for so long if there truly isn't patriarchy or misogyny? 

So for myself and the many other others who have suffered at the hand of abuse, I am nasty. Let my rage be yours, use it for yourself, you deserve better. Hell no, not now, not ever. 

For the many who suffer blame, shame and guilt for simply being you, I am nasty. So damn nasty. Nasty enough to tell a woman, NO abuse is OK. That verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse and it is still not OK. Nasty not in the way many already are, nasty in claiming my own, my own innate worth, my own right to be myself and the right of every woman to be herself. 

I'm as nasty as they come, nasty is part of becoming, the real woman I really am. One who is justifiably angry at a world that puts women in a corner. I'm nasty, a brilliantly nasty insightful thinker. I'm nasty, a nasty writer who tells you the truth that monetarily hurt and ultimately heal. Oh I'm nasty, a nasty woman who will say no and make sure you believe it.

So nasty, so good. 

This is inspired by Nasty Woman by Nina Donovan, you can find her video here. Also performed by Ashley Judd during Women's March 2017. 

Posters taken from here. 

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