Finding your calling has become more complex than ever before. Especially when opportunities abound, the paradox of choice kicks in rapidly, creating more confusion than clarity.
I have come to understand that before you find your calling, you have to find your authentic self first. Or even if you feel called, you can't support it if you aren't living whole, capable of standing alone and getting your needs met independently. You would have to stand in the truth, embrace your greatest strengths and make peace with your deepest challenges. Most importantly, never stop searching.
This doesn't mean you rest on your laurels. Continue dreaming, exploring and searching. Be curious, be fearless. Stop and start again and again.
I remember when I was continuously dissatisfied at work even though I have been blessed with opportunities and access to good education. I kept blaming and shaming myself. I told myself to suck it up, stop being a brat! Everyone is doing the daily grind for a living, how am I special? Especially since I am blessed in some ways, I should be satisfied right?
Well, no. On the surface, I kept at it. I attempted to squelch it yet the voice of my authentic self continued popping up, like an annoying jack-in-the-box. Frightening yet I can't help instinctively pushing that button and opening the box.
5 years ago I decided to make a change, this was only after a serious mental health crisis due to PTSD from years of domestic abuse. It was my greatest challenge, it also taught me the fragility of life and the value of living large.
I didn't have a concrete plan, I just knew what I didn't want. When a stranger sat beside me one day and told me her life story, I related this to a friend. My friend told me, maybe God is trying to tell you something. Then I started asking myself, what is my greatest gift? My answer was the gift of the gab. I genuinely enjoyed getting to know people and listening to their life stories. I was also good at offering comfort and encouragement, It felt natural to me, I feel happy doing it. I was always the one others reached for in times of need. I would often instinctively know what are their deepest needs before they know it.
After extensive research, I went into the social service sector full time and started studying to be a counsellor part time. My idealistic self envisioned this journey to be meaningful one, full of inspired people and heartfelt moments. It was the exact opposite.
I thought I was moving towards to my goal and ended up further than ever before. The usual challenges of work and school aside, the pitfalls came fast and furious, wham bam no thank you mdm. Over time, I found myself drowning under a tsunami, asking God how could this be? I kept praying, telling him that if he wanted me to do this, pave the way for me. I didn't get an answer and things get so bad, I could feel myself slipping into depression. I had to be very careful due to a history of mental illness on both sides of the family resulting in 2 successful suicides. I had to practice self-care first. I will be no good to the world if I can't save myself.
Everything else also fell apart just then, so I quit my job and stopped school as well. I felt like an utter absolute failure. Many others told me so as well, including those closest to me. It was devastating. All the years of abuse came flooding back to me with a vengeance, this was despite my years of combating it through counselling, art therapy and the like.
It was only recently when I could finally embraced my innate worth that I have grown fully into my authentic self. It was also when writing as a passion merged with my want to continue to serve humanity, it became this platform for change. It took me many years and many U-turns that I will slowly share. One thing is I never gave up, NEVER. Through that I realised I am more resilient and focused than ever before. I am also kinder to myself now, I understand I am on a journey that is only my own, no one else's. So while they are important to me in different ways, they have a right to their opinions, I own this road.
So my dear Goddesses and Gods, no matter what someone says to you, your worth is innate, it is something you are born with. We are all also born with our unique gifts, don't stop looking for your authentic self and do the hustle to find your calling. Your work experiences along the way will not just teach you business and communication skills, it is preparing you for your calling.
Love, light and peace,
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