Heal Thy Pussy, Rising The Vagina Warrior

I have been healing my pussy for a while, with great success, tantric sex and multiple orgasms much? Hahahaha...

I always saw sex as a spiritual union, the only kind of sex I enjoy is one where I'm emotionally connected to my partner with full body autonomy and full consent. A relationship of openness, filled with beautiful vulnerability and loving embrace of the oneness. 

As a sexual assault victim and a tall athletic Asian lesbian who's naturally busty with Beyonce queen curves that never did fit impossible Asian beauty standards of petite, small, short, fair, preferably fragile thin looking. My awkward blossoming teenage body looked like I was in my 20s when I was 13, I get adult males hitting on me way too frequently, from the time I was in my school uniform until now. Oh, the trauma, so much of it. So I edited my dressing down, protected my body by overeating, unconsciously defending myself through unattractiveness for years yet wanting to feel confident about it, embrace it without shame as well. 

My lifelong disgusted rejection of the male gaze that rapes me with their eyes, turning heads following my breasts in obvious scrutiny, even when I wear T-shirts up to my neck. 

When I did feel like dressing up in clinging sexy dresses that brushed my thighs, I got even more unwanted attention from men, all attention I felt troublingly powerful about yet also internally frustrated about as well. I couldn't go without a day in a dress where I encountered at least one man bending unnaturally downwards to steal a look see under a table. It's not about the length of skirt I wore, it happened no matter what length, it was the controlling intimidation they got off on, sensing my fear and discomfort, the shifting in my seat, my head hung down in confused shame, what did I do wrong? What more can I do to safeguard myself? 

I even get it when I wear sports shorts, ask any woman and she will tell you how many perverted men there're around. When men are shocked at sexual voyeurs, I wasn't all all, it's a daily thing that escalates from casual disrespect to greater dehumanisation. That same head full of dick, lust and sex, always jarringly popping up like a jack in the box, I should be prepared, I knew yet I never ever felt quite prepared, I didn't want to have to prepare, to edit myself down for their comfort.

It is their jobs to stop being perverts and not mine to edit myself. 

Still I do the body shame check, if you're a woman, you know what I mean. 

My legs crossed in an X, my thighs instinctively clammed tighter, bag on my lap to prevent my skirt from lifting, just in case, checked, checked and checked. I clutch my bejewelled pearl in folded fright, I felt my pussy cringed at the thought of robbers, she didn't like it at all, she hated it, she hated everything about it, every single minute of it. 

My entire body said no and they didn't stop until I glared at them fiercely. 

What I wanted was the freedom to explore my sexuality, to express my body freely, the way I see fit, whenever I wanted, how I wanted. I wanted to swop it up, change it around and mostly I wanted to stop living in fear.

Then it was mitigating the shame of women around them as they too notice the lust shining in their eyes, that familiar grimace of not good enough crossing their faces, instead of holding men accountable. It was that the men around them are not good enough instead, I wanted to scream but I can't! They were pitting woman against woman and while I do not buy into it, this didn't mean I wanted a sister to feel uncomfortable either, I always wished she knew it was neither my fault or hers, it was theirs, point the fingers where it rightfully goes! 

It's also the restrictive idea of sex as a clinical function, the vagina as utility, to reproduce, carry babies, that's devoid of the idea of sex for pure pleasure sake and can also be source of healing divine bliss at the same time. I heard so many women argue the freedom of breast feeding in public as in breasts have a use and they don't mention how much pleasure it brings us. 

We deserve pleasure, we are pleased to be here, we are free to be pleased. 

We have all been shamed way too much, too many children, no children, when you have children, when you aborted, single moms are seen as damaged goods, suspected of automatically being terrible parents. Tampon luxury tax, abortions rights under siege, all the trash talk of men attempting to be in charge of our bodies. 

We're called baby killers, mindlessly adding to the head count of a burdened over populated world, pressured into having kids on the other hand, religious bigots preaching family values as only married heterosexuals with kids as they ignore rapist priests with the pope to enable them, blaming homosexuals for ruining it for others.  

We dress down to avoid attention and we're told we let ourselves go, we're downy women, unattractive and boring. We dress up to feel good and we're sluts, out to incite male attention, a tease, a whore and a bitch. We do not pander to the male gaze and we're feminazis, everywhere we turn, we exist for men to bolster their fragile egos at the expense of our bodies, we're expected to be slaves to them when we have only one master and that is the highest self, the she God in us. 

We can't seem to do anything right, we're always wrong, some way some how we're always wrong, we're always wrong to men when we refuse to be compliant. Even if we do pander to them, they still find something else to pick on, because male tears require never-ending containers that our one body selves can never contain, since it's filled up with our own tears and our sister's tears.

We do not have room for them.

The only way is we bleed and we do bleed, monthly, while they sit by and demean that too, making us ponder the irony of the choice of aborting that disrespectful being without self-control and whether the world would indeed be a better place. 

Remember the times you felt obligated, felt it was your wifely duty or girlfriend duty to provide sex on demand like you're a human vending machine to a detached sperm donor, in and out, it was done. The feeling of dirtiness that no amount of showers can wash away, that distress that left you feeling unsatisfied, wondering why did you participate in the first place or when you were pressured with a panicky "what's wrong?" or "I have needs". And you didn't feel safe or secure enough to express what you felt, how the emotional connection is broken and the relationship needs a reconnection. You tried very hard to find the words for it and nothing came up, you just felt desperate and constipated, frustrated and irritated, you're still called a bitch and now you really are, because you tolerate so much, held it all inside. 

I remember an ex who hated her vagina with a vengeance, she almost slammed her clenched fist onto the bed in frustration, she said, yours is beautiful and mine is ugly. I was so shocked, I didn't know how to respond then, all I was thinking is that she is beautiful and her vagina is beautiful to me, because I loved her and that meant all of her. I felt her pain so deeply, I wanted to burst into tears, instead I held it in and fell silent which made her feel worse, then I felt worse because it was mistaken for judging her. When we feel insecure ourselves, it's not easy to reach out and assure someone else. We're overwhelmed by the combined pain, feeling helpless and powerless, unable to face so much combined trauma at once.

After healing, I'm able to assure and soothe much better, which was a relief, feeling powerless and helpless is always a terribly humiliating position to be in, fear feeds fear, fear becomes more fear. 

When I felt embarrassed about my body in general as well, she thought I was beautiful too. We are often too harsh on ourselves, while understandable considering the way men behave, consider that maybe your partner sees you as more beautiful than you feel, that your monkey mind is interrupting, trumpeting  noisy lies and none of it is accurate. 

It wasn't the first time I heard someone say something similar, the less we talk about it, the more taboo it becomes, silence always fosters shame. So let's encourage a culture of openness along with body positivity, self-honour and shed that shame. 

Whether you have been directly assaulted, have been traumatised by rape, sexual abuse of any kind. Or had secondary trauma through observing the destruction of male violence, reading or watching videos of destruction, all these embed in our psyches, our unconscious minds contains all the wounds we didn't heal. 

You can practice this alone or with your partner, the idea is refrain from jumping into physical sex as the objective, focus on intimacy and emotional connection instead. Embrace her in your arms, pat her head, brush your fingers through her hair, soothe her cheeks gently, observe her eyes, assure her she's beautiful, kind, precious and important. Tell her, "you matter, you have a place in this world", tap into your vulnerability and tell her how much she means to you, this is the time to bring your inner poet out, be as romantic as possible. If you're feeling spontaneous, ask permission before doing anything, "can I kiss you?", "can I touch your body?, "where can I touch?". Cuddle her and hug her, squeeze her tight like you're never going to let go. 

Intimacy can be hand holding, a kiss on the forehead when you're ill, spooning on a lazy morning, laying beside her in silence, looking into her eyes without anything physical, it doesn't always mean sex. By expanding the definition of what intimacy means into a wider expansive scope, there're more opportunities to be intimate. 

As you move along, cradle her with her back towards your front, take a mirror to her vagina, let her explore herself, run her fingers through the folds, finger herself. Be fully present and make it all about her, sense her discomfort with your being. If she feels embarrassed or ashamed, assure her, she's beautiful. Let her tell you how it feels, what works for her, let her show and tell at her own timing. 

All pussies are gorgeous, belonging to queens sitting on thrones, different colours, shapes and sizes, as varied as people. Hairy, hair free, thick, thin, tall, short, it's uniquely you, one in the world, how amazing is that? 

If any trauma surface, stop and listen to her, if she wants to put her clothes back on, assure her it's perfectly fine, whatever works for her. If you want to participate, ask for consent first, tell her exactly what you want to do and is it OK? Run your fingers through her vagina like she did, ask her if she feels good, what else does she want you to do?

Switch this around if you have a female partner.

Refrain from jumping into sex, to show restrain is to encourage her to feel secure and safe with you, that you know when to stop when requested. 

This is not for men, only for women. She needs her time, space and privacy. 

Spilt this into different days if needed, she's in charge of her body and when she says stop, stop. If you feel too awkward doing this with your partner or you're single, do this privately first, exploring with sex toys is an option, see what feels good to you. Remember you're doing this for yourself and not someone else, be it lesbian, bi or heterosexual, make this about your pleasure and joy in re-knowing your pussy again. 

Do not judge any memories or distress that surface, everything is OK, accept it and then you can process it, talk it out. I don't know is also an answer as you work through it, no forceful push, all flowing goodness. 

Talk to your vagina directly, tell her she's beautiful, the epicentre of strength, resilience and where all life comes from. She deserves all the love in the world, she is worthy and she is here to stay. It's perfectly healthy and OK to have me time to explore yourself, whether you're in a relationship or not, this is down time you deserve with yourself.

Tell her she's a temple and you will protect her as such, she is holy and no matter how you present yourself, dress or don't dress, she is still holy. Forgive her for being embarrassed, for being shy and ashamed, be compassionate and loving towards her. Talk to her regularly, in the shower, in bed, alone or together, build a relationship with her. 

It is always OK to say no, stop, I feel uncomfortable. Understand that when you stop betraying yourself, the connection with yourself and others deepen, do this often and you're well on your way to tantric spiritual union, the best sex in the world, it's so good, it's constant multiple orgasms, bliss through heavenly nirvana, the way sex was meant to be, for queens and kings in the kingdom of God, we deserve everything. 

You're most beautiful in your natural state, make up free, wild and laughing. You're beautiful when you're happy and satisfied in bed as it is in life. 

Fememeist, my rabbit says hi, she loves feminist memes, she's feisty as heck, she takes no shit as well.

She's a furry mini me. 

Love light peace,

Min

About me 

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