Day 6 of 365 days of being
Inspired by the collective voices of abuse survivors. I hear you.
Whether you’re in an abusive situation or healing from physical, mental or emotional abuse, the ego rises to help you overcome your disempowered self. This could mean anger, even rage, this sudden fire in your belly, it’s going to feel strange, unnatural even. When you’re around abusive people, they seek to dominate and break your spirit to control you. Over time, you reach a state of helplessness and think you have no options but to be treated without dignity.
This ISN'T true of course, you have options.
You will try to squelch this anger, it feels so new and uncomfortable. You even feel it seems so similar to your abuser’s anger. You battle it with overthinking, overfeeling, spiralling downwards. You wonder if you have become the monster you’re trying to escape from. You’re confused, lost, wondering where is the light at the end of the tunnel. There is only darkness.
The people around you don’t understand, don’t believe you, can’t support you, some even shame you. The lack of kindness adds to the disillusionment. Unfortunately when you’re disempowered, you cater to everyone and exhaust yourself so you are surrounded by toxic people who demand this of you, they love the disempowered part of you, not you for you.
It's a lot to take in at once, it can feel like your entire world is falling apart.
Because it is.
HELL NO. Either someone take the broken bits together with the glory or they’re not for you.
When you’re around toxic people even strangers who are not for you, just being physically being around them can hurt you energetically. Even walking around in a crowd, you can absorb the negative energy unknowingly. Imagine someone verbally, mentally and physically hurting you daily.
You deserve better, you are of innate worth, born into, not earned.
THIS IS TRUTH.
You’re strong beyond belief, you just don’t know it yet. Yes, you have to kick disempowerment in the ass, prioritise yourself first and give zero fucks what anyone else thinks. ZERO FUCKS. This is your time, you have done too much for too many people, you ARE priority now.
Your kindness is gangster, it’s not your kindness that’s the problem, it’s the people who don’t appreciate it that’s the problem. Many people have low awareness, even when they know that they have healing to do, are too lazy to take full ownership and do the healing work. They rather leech off someone else’s energy and prey on kindness.
This is about effectiveness, you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to save him or herself. As long as someone doesn’t take full ownership, by feeding the toxicity, it means you become an unconscious enabler.
You have your own healing to do, your own path to walk, taking on someone’s pain as your own not just doesn’t work, it will sink both. This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Ask yourself, would you ever do that to someone else? If the answer is no, then the answer is no to the person who does it.
We’re all in charge of our own energy. We’re all warriors equipped with our own armour, fighting our own battles. When you’re around toxic people long enough, in an effort to combat the toxicity, you shut up, shut down, disconnect. This is what someone in distress does, this process is so normalised in a broken world that it’s celebrated, causing much suffering. Often it isn't even noticeable, this daily shedding of our being.
This disconnection manifest not just in not having a voice, it manifest in disconnection from self, you no longer hear your inner voice, you no longer trust yourself. After you have experienced such cruelty, you no longer trust others as well.
That’s the point really, it’s your being calling you to connect back to your inner voice, stand in your integrity and journey alone to find your way home.
When you can walk alone, that is real freedom.
Now, this ego can help you or hurt you. It will help you rise above the crisis if used wisely, where you keep the fire in your belly, transmute it into courage to stand in your integrity, start saying no even if you feel guilt threatening to overwhelm you. The more you practice, the better you become at it. It will hurt you if you want to jump from stage 1 to 100 immediately. Pace yourself, plan with discernment, every mile starts with a single step.
Also, it will be helpful if you’re humbled enough to say I need help and seek external assistance from professionals as well as support groups. Some people around you might want to help but don't have enough experience or knowledge. Sometimes hearing your sorrows can trigger their own fears, adding to the situation instead of resolving it.
Professionals are your primary source of support, support groups are your secondary ones. It will let you understand some are in similar situations, have similar emotions, you’re not alone. Also, some had risen above it, they are living testimonies, and would like to contribute back. As you will be capable of doing some day.
It lets you understand you have a greater purpose in this world other than an abusive situation, you are indeed bigger than your challenges. Share your sorrows freely in the group, it will help you regain your voice, know that being yourself is possible. Also support others as well, you are capable of it. You’re NOT helpless, useless or weak. NONE OF IT. You are a person caught in a terrible situation, trying your best to rise above it.
Forgive yourself if you feel you have failed, this feeling that you have failed is also an effect of abuse. There is no such thing as failure, all our experiences shape and mould us to rise higher and be better. As long as you have the heart, acknowledge what’s happening, trying your best, your best is always enough. You know this, deep in your heart, you know you’re trying your best.
You can always press your internal reset button, start over whenever you need to. This reset button is like the refresh button on your browser, you can press it however many times, it’s always there, it’s inexhaustible, everlasting. Every day is a chance, every day is an opportunity to rise higher.
Pace yourself, one step at a time. This ego that rises can be put to good use to protect your integrity and defend your worth. Everything is about balance, having a healthy ego can motivate and inspire you. It’s only when someone use it for unethical means that suffering happens.
You keep your kindness only for people who’re like-minded and appreciate you for your authentic self. NO ONE else deserve it, especially not abusive toxic people.
Like a phoenix, you will rise from the ashes, believe this because I am living testimony.
Love, light and peace.
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