Day 8 of 365 days of Being
I have been writing the entire day and I don't want to post anything, I don't want to be vulnerable today. So instead I'm writing about why I don't want to be vulnerable. It's a fire day for me, I'm equal parts flowing water and savage fire.
The irony of my situation isn't lost on me. It seemed to me for a while that I might have lost the two most valuable things to me. Empathy and compassion. As I prioritise myself, became more empowered, grew into my full self, I realised how much people didn't care about me in the past. How much I exhausted myself for them as well. I deeper I looked, the more I tuned in, the worse it was, how much of a pushover I was. I hated my empathy and compassion for the first time when I hit rock bottom in 2016, a common Empath disaster. I had it, something had to change.
I was to come to see, it's this erroneous attitude that kindness means being a pushover, bending over backwards, catering to people who don't see our worth or recognise our beings. It's exhausting, constantly renegotiating boundaries, often taken for granted.
On one hand are the disempowered people who are still unfortunately trapped in the familiarity to pain, sometimes suspicious, sometimes mistaking weakness for kindness, moralising everything to the point of suffering more.
On the other are those trapped in ego fights and power struggles, leading from monkey mind space, I'm better than you, blah blah blah. I'm more religious and more spiritual than you, I deserve this more than you. I'm not playing this game, never bought into it, not starting now for sure. It's all on them.
Next are the ones with low awareness, busy being right rather than having a dialogue. Often wanting to reinforce world views rather than being a humbled learner, constantly stuck on the same stage. Zzzzzzz.
When it became clear to me post awakening that whether someone is an energy sensitive or not, is conscious or not, we're all essential threads of the fabric of humanity. This isn't just some rah rah thing to motivate others, although of course that's always good. It's something I sincerely believe in my entire life and now it's a literal energy exchange that I feel, it affects our health globally. This is the reason why I prioritise myself first.
Ever think why we all ask the same big life questions? We're all walking our own paths in different ways, in different vessels that converge to the same end, to love and be loved, to live whole and become love itself.
This global connection means that if one person is hurting, everyone is affected. I can feel the suffering and glory of everyone, no matter how near or far, especially my twin flame and soul mates. People go peopling in human vessels, I go peopling by being still. I also know how many people are hiding behind false masks, even within the wellness industry. Since I don't think in right or wrong, but a state of IS, compatible or incompatible, it doesn't bother me.
Which leads to another consideration that hurts me as much as amuses me, that some fear me. LOL. Excuse me, you're the safest with me, I feel your pain like my own, if I hurt you, I hurt myself. Yeah sure, if you're not like-minded, I won't want to hang out with you, because we won't have anything to talk about. Also chances are you're not going to see my worth. It's nothing personal, this means that you can seek other like-minded people and similarly I can make space for those people as well. I can see the beauty within you, honour your stage and time, think you deserve the right to heal and ascend. This doesn't disappear.
Many mistake this change in me as an excuse to be self-serving, especially since I wrote The Practice Of Doable Kindness and I Hate Narcissists & I'm A-OK With It. The backlash just made me realise how many have swallowed the blue pill and are so deeply trapped in the illusion, think they're far kinder than they actually are. To my utter surprise and relief, it was never me, it really wasn't. Phew.
I asked myself if I would have the same reaction as they did, I won't so it's fair game I think. I don't like having my intentions misunderstood, if I want to say something, I will tell it straight. It did disillusion me somewhat and I had no want to explain to them until I'm good and ready to write this. Even now, I'm not writing this for them, I'm writing this for myself and the people who see my worth. Those who don't can shove it. LOL.
I don't think I'm for everyone and I don't expect to be for everyone, neither do I want to cater to everyone. It's a pointless exercise, one that distracts from my soul mission.
I didn't lose empathy and compassion, it's very much a part of me. I have grown to be empowered on top of it. Oooommm balance. Do no harm and take not shit.
Love, light and peace.
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