Day 5 of 365 days of being
Being brings gifts if you're listening closely. I think everyone is a teacher and a student to different people. I chanced upon this discussion in a group, it pinged my curiosity. The reason is that I find people put me on pedestal, while I'm glad I inspire others and I enjoy doing so, I doubt putting anyone on a pedestal is a good idea. I actually never did put anyone on a pedestal, I'm not impressed by looks or wealth. Intelligence and talent, that is my precious. Even then, not on a pedestal. I don't idolise anyone, no matter how rich or famous or powerful, never did, never will.
I gave and still give freely, willingly but I don't put them on a pedestal. I think it's a combination of intuition and psychic abilities, I can always see the joy and pain inside which makes them very much human to me. I always knew when they had a misstep, I lacked the assertion to address it because I took do no harm too far, I was a pushover.
It always makes me a little sad writing this, being a pushover in the past, I had to work hard at forgiving myself, I was and am far better at forgiving others. I consider myself an intelligent independent questioning woman so how did this happen?
I find putting a partner on a pedestal is a lack of security within. It's also a punishing way to live, the only way is down and disappointment is sure to happen. Any flaw, real or imagined, is magnified and someone needs to continuously live up to hero status. Both parties suffer disappointment, the one on the pedestal feels disappointed with self, "why can't I do better?" and disappointed with the other, "why can't you be more accepting?" Same goes for the one who puts someone on the pedestal, disappointed with self, "I lack intelligence, this person isn't who I think he is", disappointed with other, "you are not who I think you are." The pressure is ridiculous.
Even the way she put it across was telling, she dumped many people because they didn't meet her standards and she finally found the one she aspires to be, in other words she acknowledges that he is ahead of her and still she sometimes fear she would lose her love for him. Known for 12 years and committed for 7 years, even then she has doubts. I think it's fair to have insecurities once in a while, vulnerability is beautiful to me. The idea of perfection is also a self-punishing one, when someone is seen as failing, it's like the world has come crashing down.
She grasped an insight like I did, someone's true being, the core of who someone is. Our authentic selves, far from the maddening crowd, at a state of rest, when we shed all masks, own our strengths as much as embrace our vulnerabilities fully. In other words, being.
"Fits me like a glove", "probably would have been a bachelor" if not for you. What a rare and beautiful match!
I think we do see certain traits in our partners that we would like to acquire for ourselves. But of course, if we're not here to grow each other, what are we here for?
She did say she isn't a jealous person. I do think feeling insecure and jealousy are two separate things. I'm not a jealous person by nature, after 36 years, I can count the times I have been jealous, less than 5, 4 is more to the side of envy, none that I projected. But I didn't feel whole inside so there's a large amount of insecurity alright, something I don't articulate but hell it's there.
I get her free spirit, I'm a free spirit too, I don't like being contained or dominated. I too did conclude at some point I have high standards, high standards of character. This is also a standard that caused much suffering for self. I look around and think, why can't people stop projecting? Why can't people be more kind? Why are people so ego driven?
This is a standard that I keep for myself now, not expect someone else to live up to.
I did grow in enlightenment and faith so I became far less reliant on someone else for my happiness. I can walk alone, stand in my integrity in the face of the people I love the most. Ultimately I think being married to my spiritual guides does relieve others and release myself from the bonds of worldly attachments that often look nothing close to love from above. That's the point really, we all seek this love in humans to fill us up totally and feel frustrated it doesn't happen, when the abundance is only available from above. Someone can exude the essence of the love from above and that's already an amazing quality, to expect perfection is disappointment waiting to happen.
The timing of the universe is perfection though, there is where all the perfection is found. I suffered so severely from a diminished self, thought so lowly of myself. Even though on the outside I was considered above average, even doing tremendously well by some. My huge inner critic kept me a motivated and humbled learner, I didn't suffer the ego fights and power struggles that many feel within, which is what got me to an awakening. The external factors, a whole other ballgame, that which I have conquered too. It's also the self-punishing bad habit that I quit, striking a balance with assertiveness, only doable for me with the security of an awakening behind me.
I built a pedestal of my own, a pedestal I can stand on alone, a pedestal not affected by others. An unshakable one that allows me to live perfectly imperfectly without shame, guilt or blame. A pedestal that keeps me motivated and inspired, not emptied out or drained.
Love, light and peace.
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