Day 1 of 365 days of being
I promised myself 2018 is a year of truth telling with more personal stories of vulnerability. Towards the end of 2017, my inner voice led me to rethink what kind of writer I would like to be. This stemmed from several people telling me that writing is therapeutic. I don't deny the therapeutic nature of it. I had three words and three words only in my head during my crisis in 2016, they were "keep on writing", which led me here. They, not being writers themselves, aren't familiar with the process of writing or the risk of publishing publicly either. Especially since I have been knowingly writing about controversial topics.
After trying different genres of writing last year, the one that brings me most joy is fiction, especially in the area of fairytales, there're always deeper truths hidden in them. I especially like Goldilocks & The Three Bears, the quest for balance is a never-ending one. Therefore the name of my website and the tagline - life done just right. Oommmm balance.
One of the effects of post awakening is the persistent need to tell the truth, so I started posting on my personal Facebook account instinctively. Most of it was driven by the intention of healing others since this is information I have accumulated over 24 years, whether I share it or not, I have already benefited from it and continue to benefit from it.
When I archived them from Dec 2017 backwards, as I reached October, I had 45 pages and 9596 words. Throughout 2017, other than 5 personal rants, the rest was in service, driven by the suffering of others I feel daily. I know it doesn't come across as such because of the disempowerment and fears of the people reading them. Nothing can drag out fears if it isn't there, my intentions are in the right place, this I know myself.
The reason why I archived them is that I got sick of the backlash. Also some occasions where my work was stolen and I wasn't accredited. While I can filter it and let it go, I also ask myself why do I have to suffer this unnecessary bullshit? I'm not paid for it, it takes me energy and time. I didn't expect any appreciation, even thank yous. I don't expect everyone to like it or to believe in it. I see it as take it or leave it. I think in terms of expectations, it most certainly isn't high. I do think this is an accurate depiction any truth teller and writer will encounter so I don't think I'm especially singled out either. Writing this isn't about judging others, but rather it's about me sharing my vulnerabilities. We all have our fears and I choose to take full ownership, focus on finding a suitable way to manage the situation instead.
I think this is my last major lesson on boundaries, it affirmed that I'm ahead by far because I genuinely wouldn't react in any of those ways. I'm happy if someone is happy, there's nothing better than seeing someone fly. If I wanted something someone has, I would be humbled and learn. To be fair, towards the end of last year I started being overwhelmed, came from a place of fear and wanting approval. The more fearful I became, the more miserable I felt, the more my inner voice retreated into my monkey mind. I started regretting even writing about my awakening, I could have kept quiet about it and went on to live my life however I wanted. It will still be an amazing life.
Upon reflection, seeking approval is like using my own shovel to dig my own grave, covering myself in dirt, then wondering who will install the tombstone after I'm buried.
I'm quite sure even as I write this that some will come from a "if I'm you, I will go out and save the world." or " you're ungrateful, you have these gifts and you're not using them to save the world." Well, you ain't me so why are you trying to do me? We all have our own paths and considerations. All of us have gifts, psychic abilities are gifts like any other, it's especially challenging because of the misconceptions associated with it. Anyway, you can save the world now, as is, if you wanted to. What's stopping you?
Being a largely introverted person, I tend to shy away from attention and prefer smaller groups. I prefer to tune into someone personally and in depth. I often challenge myself like posting selfies and such because I would like to get comfortable with it. Not because I naturally am.
I'm also a private person with a childlike spirit, in a way that comes across as naivety or mistaken for weakness in a broken world. I think the opposite of most, in terms of higher consciousness, I have always been ahead. This kind of spirit is exactly what got me here. I am also not the typical zen sit on a lotus leaf kind of awakened person either and have no want to be kept in the box that comes with it. I think that depiction is how people want to view spirituality when it doesn't address the duality within us. It's a fear driven mask of spirituality that supposedly takes us away from the ills of humanity but puts us in another box instead. It lacks an authenticity that doesn't sit well with my soul.
I surrendered these issues to my spiritual guides and my answer is clear, my purpose needs to be executed in a way that brings me the most joy. I deserve to be joyous even if others don't believe I deserve it. I have taken the duties of being a healer way too seriously all my life, automatically taking the position of a healer in all areas of my life, putting others first all the time, being stressed out and taken advantage of, even abused. I lived a diminished life because I wanted everyone else to be happy while neglecting my own. After 23 years, it became too much.
Be it writing fiction full time or leaving a part of me for it for therapeutic reasons, any expectation that I must and should is someone else attempting to dominate me. Journaling and not publishing it is therapeutic for me as well. I am at the core a healer, this will manifest in everything I do. This love I have for the world, this calling of the soul to love and be loved is within us all. It's not just limited to writing how to posts.
This is a decision I feel at peace with. If I don't enjoy the journey by being my highest joyous self, it would be a disservice to myself and also the world.
Love, light and peace.
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For why you feel exhausted - Are You A Recovering Nice Girl?
For how we lose our voices - Me Too, Stories Of Bodies Lost To Patriarchy
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