Today is my awakening anniversary - 13th August. To me, it's more important than my birthday which happens to be tomorrow the 14th. The reason is that it's a REBIRTH of mind, body and spirit. This photo was taken on 14th of August 2016, a day after my awakening. It describes the way I have been feeling for the past year.
I really don't know where to start. How do I describe a year of DAILY revelations, breakthroughs and deep MEANING? Just the list alone will take a book. I'm going to try anyway as I always do.
What I know is that I am writing this with a BURSTING heart of gratitude, filled with the love of people and the universe. In fact, I am moved to tears as I write this. A frequent occurrence for the last year, to be MOVED to tears by the love of the universe.
EVERY single moment in my life has led me here. It was 24 years ago when I asked my first big life question, which continues to be the most important one to me. Since then EVERY single experience from the DARKEST nights to the BRIGHTEST light has led me here. I have never been more CERTAIN in my life that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and DOING exactly what I need to be doing. Above and beyond a profession, healing is my PURPOSE and it is definitely a calling. It's been in my BLOOD for the last 24 years and it will continue to be in my blood for the rest of my life. I FEEL it in my SOUL.
The question was why is there suffering in the world and what can I do about it? The next year, I attempted suicide (unsuccessfully obviously) due to PTSD from caregiving duties. I reached out to my spiritual guide and told him, "if I'm meant to go, then so be it." Since I grabbed a bunch of random mild pills, no hospitalisation was needed, there were zero side effects and instead I restarted with RENEWED rigour.
That was also the year I started volunteering. This capacity to turn darkness INTO light was to repeat itself over my lifetime. So was the incessant need to carry the weight of someone else on my shoulders even if it broke me.
Boo. Not good.
I have since kicked that terrible habit in the butt (thank you universe) and channel it into concrete healing work to reach out to people who are FOR me and not AGAINST me.
ENERGY curation BABY!
Healing requires agreement and I have no want to be an enabler, encouraging lack of personal responsibility which really harms someone else at the end of the day. They would never learn resilience nor have the ability to conquer their own ego consciousness. I do still look out for them in the capacity that doesn't hurt me, not that they can sense it. Sssshhh don't tell anyone.
I also believe that everyone have their own paths, if I do not honour their timing and the PERFECT timing of the universe, it's a huge DISSERVICE to both parties. When you're ready to receive you WILL, if not it's wasted energy on my end and truly on yours as well. You will temporarily feel better, yet no CONCRETE change is made. My job is to HEED the call to deliver messages and I'm doing that daily. Meeting me halfway is your job.
ありがとうございます Arigatou gozaimasu. Thank you very much.
Lasting CHANGE is what excites me. Arrrggghhhh I LOVE it from the core of my being to the surface of my skin. It is ME, ALL of me. THAT's what makes me SMILE a smile of BRILLIANT LIGHT. When I flip that switch of mind, heart or spirit, HOLY MACARONS, it's exciting. I can feel this excitement in my fingertips as I'm writing this. Healing work to me is as exciting as can be. It's surfing that giant WAVE of humanity and hanging loose while I'm at it.
It's acknowledging how MINUTE I am in the larger scheme of things, also how incredibly POWERFUL I am while EMPOWERING others to join me. Healing is my HEART, my PASSION and my SOUL. It's my GREATEST lover that never left my side.
SORRY Twin Flame, you rock big time, this is my FIRST love and always will be.
To me, it's not the stereotypical zen person sitting in meditation and going ooommmm, although that's of course wonderful. Far beyond that is the ability to NAVIGATE darkness and light with EASE, joining someone side by side, saying I'm HERE, it's OK. You can be your WORST self or your BEST self. It's ALL A-OK.
I haven't met anyone who understands the depth of LONELINESS like I do, being a deep thinker and a deep feeler meant I travelled through the full spectrum of humanity and I worked my way to the middle where I found BALANCE. It also taught me how to LOVE my solitude and the importance of being that singular person that GETS it.
I'm a REBEL for healing, a renegade Ah Lian* as the Singaporeans will call it. I'm equal parts lion and cat, I will not TOLERATE stepping on my tail, other than that, I will paw you to death with my LOVE.
I'm scary because my REALNESS is scary, my KNOWING is scary, my STRENGTH is scary. I however cannot scare anyone who is not ALREADY fearful. By my BEING, it brings out your own fears, which is also one of the many reasons why I'm a natural healer. I'm everyone's safe place.
THIS I too, embrace fully.
I'm not afraid of being the CATALYST to bump you from darkness into the light. My intentions are exceedingly clear to me, there is ZERO DOUBT here. The truth will hurt TEMPORAILY and then it heals.
The reality is that ego consciousness exists even in the people who're suffering tremendously. Until you can surrender to your spiritual guides or their human messengers, you will suffer. It is what it is.
I know this because I lived through it. The months pre-awakening was when I finally allowed myself to know my shadow side. Like so many people out there, I was keen on development, I worked hard to grow every single day. I reached for everything you can possibly think of and I mean EVERYTHING. As long as it resonated with me, I never did hesitate for a moment.
Similarly, I rejected my shadow side, sometimes to survive and often times it was to fulfill the expectations of the world, where only my happy shiny self was accepted. I always knew what the world expected of me. I also knew that didn't fill the hole I had inside.
You know what I mean. Those moments when you're FAR from the maddening crowd. The quiet moments right before you're awake and right before you fall asleep. The solitary moments where you no longer HIDE under the bustle of the world or the hustle of yourself to fill up the empty places, you always KNOW. How alone you're.
I reached for personal forgiveness and compassion even in the face of people who are determined to tear me down, knowing that deep down they are suffering too. Through it all, I never did SACRIFICE my INTEGRITY nor my PASSION for healing and this is something I'm tremendously proud of (pat on back for myself). It certainly hasn't been easy (no way Jose), these are people I care about greatly and I care for humanity in a way that not many can understand. That was my greatest strength and also my greatest weakness.
Well, drumroll please......NOT ANYMORE! It's my greatest strength now. Yyyiiipppeee.
I grappled with the idea of love and compassion for the last 24 years, for me to finally make peace with it has made me a significantly better healer. When I KNOW that the universe has got my back, how WELL-LOVED I am and how it's available for EVERYONE is REVOLUTIONARY.
There is HOPE, there really is. If I was the stereotypical happy shiny person, I wouldn't feel SUPREMELY CONFIDENT doing healing work, I would have the knowledge and skills which I have acquired through training and research but not absorb into the CORE of the being by LIVED experience. I KNOW in the deepest recesses of the my heart that I am tremendously talented at it. It comes automatically to me, as an Empath who feels your pain as my own. My journey of self-healing is my journey of learning how to heal others as well.
Also, as a highly intuitive person with access beyond intuition, I have been preparing for this for the last 24 years. EVERY SINGLE DAY. As a deep thinker and deep feeler, I had to navigate both ends to achieve enlightenment, both sides of which I bring to the table. I am capable of meeting ANYONE at their level of understanding.
I am TREMENDOUSLY thankful, I did not arrive here without the support of many who have set themselves aside for me when I needed them most. Especially my spiritual guides. I also KNOW my post-awakening wholeness means I'm a HUMBLED messenger to bring healing to the world. It's nothing more nor nothing less.
Above and beyond happiness which is temporal, I have PROFOUND PEACE which is eternal. I also live a life of DEEP meaning, filled with daily revelations and delight at the smallest thing. I find darkness humorous because I'm fearless, I laughed outrageously loudly at irony (sorry people at the next table) because I see the truth REMARKABLY clearly, along with the follies of ego consciousness (including my own). I don't smile because I'm asked to (damn you world of wefies), I don't see why I have to.
Instead, I live a life full of AUTHENTIC people who make space for me as I make space for them, a well-curated HAVEN of soul mates galore and like-minded people extravaganza (thank you RuPaul). I found a WHOLENESS and PEACE solely my own, an INFINITE source of abundance that is available to EVERYONE, not just me.
I know exactly WHERE to go, WHO I'm looking out for and who is looking out for ME. I feel it every SINGLE DAY. That's the beauty of the universe, love TRANSCENDS all distance, space and time. It REALLY DOES. We are connected in GLORIOUS ONENESS through our soul connections to each other. I am continuously in AWE of the beautiful people that honour my BEING as I do theirs.
As with anything else, if I didn't experience it myself, I would feel it's not just INAUTHENTIC of me to write about it, I would have difficulty OWNING it and ETHICALLY I wouldn't be able to get past myself.
Sigh, beautiful days.
Wishing you all the blessings of the universe and hot damn, shove aside that stubborn ego consciousness and get to healing already. Geez really?
Still love you! XOXO.
Love, light and peace,
*Ah Lian - Singaporean English for gangster.
Go here for Have You Had A Mini Awakening?
To book a private session with me, go here.
To subscribe to my newsletter exclusives, click on "newsletter sign up" at the top. These are healing exclusives reserved for subscribers only. It's FREE.